Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
