i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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