my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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