hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
