6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
