Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
