Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
