note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
