my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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