God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
