is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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