She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
