When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
