she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
