Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
