i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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