Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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