my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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