She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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