Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
