So drunk its hurt
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
