you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
