Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
