You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
