Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
