There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
