Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
