My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
