Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
