im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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