I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
