hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
