Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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