I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
