i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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