So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?