GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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