Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize