so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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