I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
