hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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