so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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