A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
