hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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