Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
