your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize