Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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