Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
