I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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