I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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