apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
