Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
