OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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