If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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