To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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