I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
